What if

That simple feeling of disappointment.

You wonder, “when will this feeling go away” or “how do I just let go?” Everyone tells you to “just move on” or “forget about it.” It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Why do we allow ourselves to be disappointed? How exactly does one become disappointed? Expectations. We place expectations on the people around us, the ones we love. Yet, for some reason someone, somewhere will always fail you. That’s quite the unsettling feeling.

Why do you and I allow others to creep in and explore our hearts and minds openly? Is it supposed to be this way? Are we supposed to allow others to do this “barrier-free?” Or are we supposed to keep some walls up? Who has the answers to these questions? Anyone, anyone at all?

I think it depends on who we are talking about here. If we are talking about your future spouse, the love of your life, then by all means let those walls down and allow a deep bond to take hold. A best friend? Yes, let those walls down. Everyone else? I guess we are just supposed to place it under the “to be determined” category. So now what? How do we know if that boy you just met is supposed to be “the one?” You don’t. You may think you do, but there’s no way to be sure. We don’t know what the future holds. So we go off of faith and trust. Do you love him? Yes. Do you trust him? Yes. Well then, I guess that’s it, go ahead and let those walls down, right? I mean, I guess so. (Ha, not very reassuring if you ask me..) I don’t want to seem pessimistic or anything, but what exactly are we supposed to do? How are we to protect ourselves?

I guess that’s where we come to the road with the ultimatum: either let down your walls and risk getting hurt, or leave the walls up and never truly connect. So what do you do? I guess it sort of depends on the person. I can think of three boys where this type of situation came into play. Boy A came into my life inexperienced at love and naive, but very much ready to feel love. Boy B came into my life fully in love with me, somewhat experienced with heartache and ready to be together forever. Finally, Boy C came into my life, experienced with love and experienced with heartache, unable to let down his walls and unsure of whether he wanted love or not for fear of being hurt yet again. What do I do with these boys? Would you believe me if I told you they were all the same person? Because guess what, they are. He is all three, and at different points of our relationship I have been introduced to each of the three through him.

Can you see my dilemma? I was ready for love in the beginning, naive and inexperienced but very excited. Then we had let all of our walls down, was there anyone who knew me better? I don’t think so. And then, it ended. Everything was different, and I was a completely different person, or so I thought.. Surprisingly, he came back into my life. However, now things have changed, our walls are back up and we are afraid (some more than others). How do we go on?
This is the question: what do I do now, do I let my walls back down and risk being hurt yet again? Will he let his walls down too? What if there’s a third party involved, people who are shaping his decisions. Do I take their words personally? (It’s hard not to..)

If someone else were asking me these questions, I would tell them to “be strong”, “don’t allow him to take control over you”, “wait it out”, and “just have patience.” “If it’s really meant to be then it will be”, no matter what anyone else says. But when people tell me that, I tell them that “it’s just not that easy”, you can’t just stop being afraid, or worried about what is going to happen next. How do I take my own advice? How am I supposed to let go? I know that’s what I want to do (at least I think I do) but how do I actually do it? Can anyone tell me?

I guess there’s no real solution or clear cut answer. What now? What’s next? Does anyone know? (I mean, besides God) I don’t think anyone can truly decide for you what you should do or how to navigate such a situation. You have to decide for yourself. Ask if this journey is worth it? Someone very important to me once gave me some valuable words of advice, “it only hurts so bad because it felt so great when you were together.” Is it worth it to experience the love now if you know you may risk feeling pain later?

I guess that’s really the deciding factor. Do you love that person enough to experience pain because of them later? If the answer is yes, then continue on. Let your walls down and let that person in. If the answer is no, then now you know. It’s time to move on. Life is about taking risks and making memories with the ones you love. If you don’t have that, then what do you have?

That’s all for now.



p.s. What if he’s the one that doesn’t end with pain? Maybe he will be your forever.. I guess life is all about the “what ifs”..♡
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